Bored Yet?

Mother was the middle child in a family of five. She had two older sisters, a younger sister, and last-but-by-no-means least a younger brother, John. When I knew him, he was grown up, a respected banker. Apart from an obsessive interest in golf, he seemed to be singularly quirk free. As a child, he'd been as quirky as the rest of his family. He was quirky as a college student, but then he went to Oxford, the University in England, not the town in Mississippi. Apparently, the English, the eccentric English, cured him. When he returned to the United States, he gradually became too prominent, both socially and businessly, to have any quirks at all except, of course, for that obsessive interest in golf. (Note. A friend invented the new word "businessly." Spellcheck doesn't like it, but the Old Baguette does. She'll use it when she feels like using it.) When the Old Baguette was a Petite Pain, she loved hearing about John. He was such an odd child.

On his fourth birthday, Grandfather gave him a real pigskin. Overjoyed, John rushed out to show his new football to every boy in town. He returned without the football, but he was still overjoyed. He'd traded it for a goat and a pail of candy. And where was the goat? Where was the pail of candy? Well, he didn't have them yet, but he'd be getting them soon. A goat? A pail of
candy? Marvelous!

He handled his first day of school with a certain, je ne sais quoi, panache? The teacher began the day by reading the roll. She had twenty-five names on her list, and twenty-five children were sitting at little desks before her. John was among the twenty-five at little desks, but his name was not on the teacher's roll. Another boy (Shall we call him Childe Harold?) was not sitting at his little desk, but his name was on the teacher's roll. When the teacher called out "Childe Harold" the second time, John said, "Present." The teacher then had twenty-five children at desks and twenty-five children on her roll. From this point on, John answered to the name, Childe Harold. He wrote the name Childe Harold on his papers. At age six, he was a successful identity thief. Now, that's amazing since the crime of identity theft had yet to be invented. John, the criminal, was almost the victim of the identity theft as well. The school had too few second graders and too many first graders, so the administration decided to double promote the "best and the brightest." The superintendent was a friend of my grandparents. He thought John was a smart little boy. Why wasn't John one of the children who'd be double promoted? To get an answer, the superintendent visited the first grade classroom. The following conversation took place between superintendent and teacher.



Superintendent: Why isn't John's name on the list of those to be double promoted?
Teacher: There is no John in this class.
Superintendent: No John? Why he's sitting at that little desk right there.
Teacher: That's not John. That's Childe Harold, and Childe Harold's first on the list.



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