When you reach a certain age, you should carry with you a list of your meds. If you should be struck down by a bus, or, more likely, a bicycle, you'll end up at the nearest hospital. Without a proper list on you, the attending medical personnel in the ER won't know what pills you pop and when you pop them. You must, of course, put the list where it can be easily found: your wallet, your pocket secretary, a zipper compartment in your purse. Until today, I didn't fully appreciate that some drugs really do produce unexpected side effects.
And what happened today? I had an appointment with a new doctor, a specialist. Together, we drew up a plan of treatment. I had brought with me my list of meds. Since I've got some tests scheduled with some other specialists, the new doctor didn't want to change any of my meds until all the test results were in. As I was leaving his office, he said that one of my meds was particularly effective. Effective, perhaps, but it had severe and unusual side effects. It made people gamble and shop. Yes, that's what he said. Gamble and shop. What side effects do my other meds have? Does one make people return things?
Gambling and shopping! The casinos and shopping malls will be lobbying the FDC to make it a standard additive to processed foods. Perhaps that is what MSG is. MAKES you SHOP and GAMBLE.
ReplyDeleteImagine though if we could literally reverse engineer your prescription, so that instead of promoting gambling and shopping, we could inhibit it--and disable what ever the prime medicinal function of the drug. Imagine the advertisements we could run on TV...
Black and white scene, haggard looking guy with his pockets pulled inside out, grim sounding music. Barely audible female voice exuding grief, "Compulsive gambling hurts." The camera pans to a skinny shoeless kid, a wife dressed in rags, and a mangy dog with fleas. "But Nongambilify can help." The music gets a little brighter, the guy now shaven looks out to the horizon, the dog looks hopeful. Now the voice gets cheery and proceeds to explain how Nongambilify puts a blocker over the gambling joy receptors in the brain, bla bla...bla bla. "But Nongambilify is not for everyone..." and it then goes on to tell you all the side effects and pretty much says in drug advertisement code that after a few years of use you can kiss your liver goodbye. By the end of the commercial, the music is very bright and cheery, we see our well fed, expensive albeit conservatively dressed family of three in a new SUV out on a camping trip on the shore of some picturesque mountain lake shown in the most brilliant color and everyone has big smiles because "I asked my doctor about Nongambilify."
For Antibuyify, the shopping blocker version of the drug, we will use the blonde lady in the red dress that appears in the Target Black Friday TV ads.
So the next time you are at your male doctor's office, and you see that 20 something woman with the tight miniskirt, low cut top, and stiletto heels (that remarkably still passes for business dress) lugging that huge case of sample drugs, (or conversely at a female doctor's office and you see the 20 something buff dude with gold chains, $100 haircut, and 1000 buck suit also lugging the huge case but with the ease of a weight lifting male in flat shoes) just think about how those heavy cases could be loaded down with free samples of Nongambilify and Antibuyify from the Baguette & Sextant Corporation (improving life one Rx at a time). Oh yeah don't forget we have to formulate this stuff so that it is a life long prescription. Quit taking it and within 24 hours your back at the mall.
"If you have difficulty affording Nongambilfy, Baguette & Sextant may be able to help."
You do realize, I hope, that the Baguette & Sextant Corporation is the BS Corporation?
ReplyDeleteWell we would fit right in with the rest of the drug companies, and we may want to consider a financial group.
ReplyDelete