As Good As a Lie Detector

While all are willing to wait patiently for the opportunity, several friends and acquaintances have expressed the desire to meet my parents one of these days, perhaps bend elbows with them at a cocktail party in the sky. Now, I'm sure both of my parents would like to meet my friends and acquaintances but not at a cocktail party in the sky. Heavens, no! Neither parent was a teetotaler, but . . . . My father enjoyed a gin gibson straight up before dinner and a stinger after dinner while my mother enjoyed a cup of black coffee before dinner and another cup of black coffee after dinner. My mother never knew how alcohol would affect her. Never. More than once she had one drink and then revealed what she should not have revealed, so she'd often refuse a drink with the comment, "No, thank you. For me, one drink's as good as a lie detector." Once, at a bash the head of the Securities and Exchange Commission gave for his young lawyers, my mother had one drink and was actually obscene. After that at similar parties, Mother would refuse a drink with a simple, "No, thank you." She did not add, "I might get obscene."

Once, she and my father were invited to play bridge. The house was new, and the heating system wasn't working. The longer they played, the colder they all got. The host prepared hot drinks to warm them up. Because she was cold, Mother downed hers. She didn't talk of lie detectors or obscenity. No, she simply drank that warming drink. When she was dummy, she excused herself and disappeared. Time passed and passed and passed. Mother didn't return. After a long wait, my father decided to look for her. He found her in an upstairs bathroom, taking a hot bath. Oops! When Mother refused a drink, saying, "No, thank you. I never know how alcohol will affect me.," she meant it. Would Mother down a drink at a cocktail party in the sky? I don't think so. If you want to meet both parents, you better plan on a picnic in the sky or a buffet with hot dishes.